


The Secrets We Keep

by pupeez4eva



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Child Abuse, Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 03:50:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14887071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: Six times Aaron nearly told someone about Gordon’s abuse.





	The Secrets We Keep

**_Sandra_ **

 

The first time it happened he’d been too shocked and too confused to tell anyone. Mum had left, and Dad was all he really had — Dad had apologised, and told him that he’d had to do it, because Aaron had been bad. Aaron had been scared that it would happen again, but the thought of telling anyone hadn’t crossed his mind, because when he was hurt or upset, the first people he’d turn to would be his mum or dad — and now Mum was gone, and Dad _was_ the one who’d hurt him, so what was he supposed to do? 

 

After a while he convinced himself that he’d imagined the whole thing. Things had gone back to normal, and things between him and Dad were better than ever. Surely this wasn’t the same person who had hurt him so much that awful day?  

 

The second time it happened, it was a lot harder to convince himself that he’d imagined the whole thing. He was older for a start, ten years old now, and things seemed a lot clearer to him. And, in a way, he’d almost been expecting it since Liv had been born. Mum’s words had played on his mind, how Sandra and his Dad wouldn't want him anymore after his little sister was born, and then Dad had started growing steadily more irritated from all the late nights and interrupted sleep that came from having a baby in the house, and, no matter how hard he tried to stop himself, Aaron couldn’t help but think back to how angry his Dad had been on _that_ day.

 

It had started like this, hadn’t it? Not with a sudden bang, but a steady build up until, at last, Dad hadn’t been able to stop himself any longer. 

 

 _‘It didn’t happen,’_ he told himself. Dad wouldn’t hurt him. It had just been a bad nightmare or something.

 

Sandra and Dad got into a fight, and Sandra took the baby with her and left for the night. When it happened again, it was just like the first time — and Aaron, just ten years old, didn’t fully understand _what_ was happening, but he knew it was wrong.

 

Dad apologised to him the next day. He bought him fish and chips for tea, but made sure to point out that Aaron had been misbehaving. He’d been giving Sandra a hard time, pushing her when she was struggling with the baby enough as it was. He’d needed to be punished.

 

It had happened twice now. Would Dad do it again? The thought terrified him.

 

Sandra came home later that day. Aaron had almost expected her to leave forever, just like Mum had, take Liv with her and everything. He wouldn’t cry his time. He’d be good this time.

 

Sandra did come home. He was sitting in the living room and watching telly when he heard the door open, and heard her voice as she spoke to Dad. For a moment he sat still, his heart beating in his chest, and he thought, _‘She’ll know.’_ He expected her to walk into the room, take one look at him, and just _know_ what Dad had done. 

 

He was barely breathing when she walked into the room, holding Liv in her arms. She looked at him — _‘She’s going to know what he did’ —_ and she smiled at him and asked what he was watching.

 

She never brought up what Dad had done, and Aaron realised that she didn’t know after all. He wasn’t sure _how,_ because everything just felt wrong about him, and he didn’t know how she couldn’t have seen that. He felt a rush of disappointment, and realised that he’d wanted her to know. The thought shocked him, and he opened his mouth, not to tell her about what was on telly, but to tell her what had happened.

 

The words didn’t come out. He wanted to tell her, he really did, but then he thought of Dad, and what might happen. Aaron didn’t understand what Dad had done, not really, but he knew it had felt bad, and he knew instinctively that what Dad had done was wrong. What if Dad got in trouble for this? Maybe he’d go away and Aaron would lose him, like he’d lost Mum. Or maybe Dad was right, and he’d just been doing it for Aaron’s own good — _punishing_ Aaron because he’d been naughty. Sandra would just be annoyed with him then, and she might tell Dad, and then Dad would be angry at him. He’d told Aaron not to tell anyone, after all.

 

So the moment passed, and he closed his mouth, and told Sandra what he was watching. She smiled at him, and told him she’d go and put Liv to bed upstairs, and then she’d make him something to eat.

 

**_Paddy_ **

 

He’d hit Paddy. Beaten him nearly senseless, to the point where the man’s face looked like it’d been through a meat grinder. But despite that, Paddy hadn’t thrown him out. He hadn’t asked Aaron to leave, and never come back, which probably would have been the smart thing to do.

 

Paddy had told him he wanted him to stay. He’d told him he loved him. He’d told him Aaron was like a _son_ to him.

 

Aaron had hurt him, and Paddy still wanted him. Not just that — Paddy knew the truth about him, that he liked blokes, and he didn’t want him to go. Every time Aaron had imagined someone finding out, it had never gone this way. These scenarios often ended with his Mum disowning him, or Uncle Zak kicking him out of the family, or Cain beating him up, or Paddy throwing him out — he’d never imagined that Paddy might be _okay_ with him being like…this. It baffled him, and he wondered if this whole thing was some huge misunderstanding. Maybe he’d hit Paddy harder than he’d thought, and the man had some sort of brain injury. Maybe he was recovering from the shock and when he woke up the next morning, he’d throw Aaron out of the house, and tell him to never come back.

 

Except Aaron had given him space, and when he’d come back, Paddy had still wanted him here. He’d even lied to the police for him ( _Mum_ had been the one to report him, he thought bitterly, although he deserved it after what he’d done to Paddy).

 

Aaron had been let down a lot in his life — by his family, by Mum, by Dad — but Paddy hadn’t let him down. He was almost terrified to believe it, because if it happened now he didn’t think he could take it. But so far, Paddy had been more amazing than he ever deserved, and lying upstairs in his room, feeling useless, scared and miserable, Aaron almost wanted to tell him about what Dad had done.

 

He’d never told anyone. But Paddy wasn’t just anyone, was he? He’d been there for him when it really mattered. He’d stuck by Aaron, even when Aaron had been trying his best to drive him mad; and then, when Mum had tossed him aside like trash, Paddy had taken him in — his cheating ex’s thug son — even when he had no obligation to do so. Paddy had always stuck by him. He was _still_ sticking by him, even now when he knew the awful truth about him — and Aaron himself felt disgusting, and wrong, but Paddy, for some reason, felt like there was something worth fighting for in him.

 

He wanted to tell him; to just blurt it out, and that would be it — Paddy would know everything about him. If he’d stuck by him this far, surely he wouldn’t leave now? 

 

Maybe then Paddy would understand why he felt this way. No one else seemed to — Jackson was different than him, hadn’t been _made_ the way he was because of his dad. Adam thought he was some sort of joke, some queer pretending to be straight — what had he said again? Oh right, he thought it was _sick._

 

No one understood that this wasn’t _him._ Dad had made him this way. And Paddy kept going on about acceptance, and being open with himself, and Aaron just wanted to _make him understand._

 

He imagined getting up, and going downstairs and telling him. He couldn’t imagine how Paddy would react, and didn’t really want to — but maybe in the end, he’d finally understand. Maybe he’d be able to help him. Sometimes Paddy made him feel like he wasn’t as broken as he thought he was, like he was actually worth giving a damn about, and maybe he’d be able to…not _fix_ this, because Aaron didn’t think that would ever be possible, but maybe make it more bearable.

 

Except maybe it wouldn’t go that way at all. Maybe Paddy wouldn’t believe him. Maybe he’d think there was something wrong with Aaron, and tell him to leave, finally reaching his limit. 

 

If he told Paddy, he might lose him for good. Paddy was all he really had left. He couldn’t risk that.

 

So he stayed upstairs, and he didn’t tell him. In the end he decided that it was for the best — Paddy knew too much about him as it was. Everything was threatening to fall apart, and Aaron was barely hanging on; he didn’t think he could handle _this_ being blown out into the open as well. 

 

**_Zak_ **

 

He’d barely been in the village, and he’d already ruined everything. He could tell that his family were at the end of their ropes. Lisa couldn’t stand him, his Mum wouldn’t want anything to do with him now that Paddy had told her about the drugs, and Zak didn’t want him around the family.

 

He told himself that he didn’t care. It would have happened eventually anyway. Maybe they were toying with the idea of being a proper family now, but there was no way it would last. Eventually they’d grow bored of him, or his Mum would realise that being a mother had stopped being interesting, just like she had all of those years ago, and he’d be on his own again. It was better to end this now, before he risked getting close to them.

 

Zak was angry at him — he’d caught him shoving Mum, and Aaron had been forced to tell him about the drugs — and now he was trying to lecture him on what it meant to be a _family,_ and Aaron felt himself snap. He was yelling a his uncle, telling him what he _really_ thought about the Dingles — that they were nothing but thieves, that it was all they were good for — and all he could think was, _‘What do you know about family? When have you lot EVER been there for me?’_

 

But Zak was still talking, barreling over Aaron before he even had a chance to talk, telling him about how his own dad didn’t want him, how Sandra was scared of him, how his mum had walked out. How he was just an accident. A loser. How he made life worse for everyone.

 

“I’ll tell you what, lad — I’ll make life rougher for you than you can imagine if you hurt any of mine, because we care for each other, and you — you’ve got no one.” 

 

And suddenly, with an urge that was so sudden and so forceful that is almost shocked him, Aaron wanted nothing more than to throw all of it in Zak’s face, the whole damn story, and watch him struggle to deal with the aftermath. Let’s see how Uncle Zak, the great protector of the Dingle clan, would handle _that._ He wouldn’t be so sure of himself then; he wouldn’t be able to pretend that he knew _anything_ about what Aaron had gone through when the Dingles, his so-called family, had left him alone.

 

_‘Rougher than I can imagine? You wish. Like you could do ANYTHING to me that’s worse than what my own dad did. Try it Zak, punish me if you want since I don’t fit in with your messed up little family, but I’m sorry to say that Dad’s already stolen the show.’_

 

For a moment, all Aaron wanted to do was blurt it all out, shove it right back in Zak’s self-righteous face and make him and the rest of the Dingles realise who the real screw-ups were. But then the reality of the situation caught up with him, and he realised what would happen if he told him — if he told _anyone —_ and he froze.

 

In the end, he apologised to Zak. Zak spoke to him, calmer now, sounding like he actually wanted to _help_ Aaron, and Aaron felt so exhausted and defeated that he almost believed it.

 

“Maybe we can find a way to move forward,” Zak said. Aaron knew he was only talking about everything that had happened since he’d showed up at the village — the drugs, his bad relationship with his mum, the way they’d been fighting today — but he couldn’t help but think about everything that had happened with his Dad, and he felt a wave of despair when he realised that there was no moving forward from _that._

 

He sat down, and he listened to what Zak had said. It sounded like he really wanted to help. And later, he stuck up for him when Lisa said she wanted him to leave. Maybe things could be different this time around. Aaron really wanted to believe that.

 

 

**_Chas_ **

 

When he thought back to the time he’d spent in hospital after his suicide attempt, the first thing he always remembered was how helpless he’d felt. There’d been no way out for him — the world outside those white walls was a terrifying place, where nosy villagers would no doubt be prying into his business, getting closer and closer to the truth, and his only escape route had been spoiled due to Adam and Cain. He felt stuck. Everything was just too much, and he didn’t know how to deal with it all. 

 

His feelings hadn't changed a bit. Maybe he’d survived, and maybe he should’ve been grateful, but all he could feel was resentment and frustration. He kept quiet around Adam, because he didn’t want him to leave, but he had no qualms telling his Mum and Paddy how he really felt — Paddy, who was too soft to ever really tell him off, and his Mum, who, in his mind, deserved it.

 

He still wanted to die. He wanted them to know it.

 

Of course Mum couldn’t let that lie. She’d snapped — didn’t hold back, let him have it in classic Chas Dingle style.

 

“You know nothing about life,” she was yelling. “You’re eighteen years old, and you know nothing. You’re too young to give up.”

 

Nothing. She thought he knew _nothing_ about life. It reminded him of how little she knew about _him,_ and the thought almost made him want to laugh. The worst thing in the world had happened to him — and god, the last time Dad had done it hadn’t even been that long ago, had it? — and she had no idea. None of them did. They never would.

 

As if reading his thoughts, she said, “And yeah, I know you had it tough — ”

 

He almost screamed it out, right then and there. She had _no_ idea. She ‘knew’ he’d had it tough — what a laugh. How could she, when she’d gotten the hell out of there the first chance she’d got, and left _him_ to deal with the fallout? To her his ‘tough’ life probably amounted to a troubled, misunderstood teen who'd pushed his father until the man had finally reached the end of the rope and kicked him out. God, he _wished_ that had been all of it. 

 

He wanted to tell her. He wanted her to know what he’d been through, because maybe then she’d understand, maybe then she wouldn't be so quick to brush off his actions as selfish and thoughtless, or his fears as minor set-backs.

 

But she finished her rant, and she left him alone, and these thoughts were soon forgotten.

 

**_Jackson_ **

 

He nearly told Jackson, right before the accident happened, and everything changed forever. They’d been arguing, about Jackson telling him he loved him, and about Aaron not being able to say it back. Aaron felt confused, and scared, and could feel himself crying — Jackson was crying too, and he desperately tried to piece his thoughts together and tell Jackson what was on his mind, but nothing seemed to be coming out right.

 

He wanted him to understand. Jackson was amazing, and he made him feel things that Aaron had never felt before. But he didn’t _know_ what it meant. This was all so new to him, and it scared him, and he _just didn’t know._

 

“I feel stuff too,” he told Jackson, “but I don’t have anything to compare it to. I feel stuff for my mum now, and Paddy, but I don’t know what any of it is. And you know why? Because I’m not used to people giving a damn about me.”

 

Jackson didn’t understand. Aaron could see it on his face — the anger and the hurt — and knew that he couldn’t fully comprehend what Aaron was saying. Aaron didn’t blame him — what kind of person didn’t know what _love_ felt like? What person only just started feeling things for his own mother, and didn’t even know what those feelings meant?

 

Someone who was broken, that’s who. And Jackson would never understand that, because he was wonderful, and whole, and everything Aaron wasn’t.

 

Suddenly the urge to just _tell him_ struck Aaron, hard and fast. Maybe then Jackson would understand why he was the way he was; why he couldn’t feel like everyone else could. Dad had messed everything up, and he was only just starting to put the pieces back together. He didn’t _know_ what to feel, because Dad had always told him that it was the two of them against the world, and that no one would ever love Aaron the way he did — and then he’d gone and hurt him, over and over, in the worst way possible. 

 

He’d thought he’d loved his dad, but he’d hurt him more than anyone else ever had. Aaron had come to the village, and then he’d tried to go _back_ to the man who had abused him. He’d _missed_ him. How could he miss a man who had taken his childhood from him, who had ruined him, and made him hate himself? 

 

Sometimes Aaron couldn’t trust his own feelings. He wanted Jackson to understand that. He wanted to tell him about how he’d been alone for most of his life, and having people that actually gave a damn was such a new and foreign concept, and he just didn’t know what to do with it.

 

The words wouldn’t come out, and Jackson left. And later, Jackson was lying in a hospital bed, and wanting to tell him about _that_ was the last thing on his mind.

 

**_Robert_ **

 

He only thought about telling Robert once, a brief fleeting thought really, but it was there all the same. He wasn’t even sure _why —_ these days, he tried to push the memories of what his Dad had done to him as far away as he possibly could, and as the years passed, he felt that it got easier to block it all out. When he’d been a kid, forgetting had been impossible; Dad had always been there, and the fear of it happening again — and even worse, of not knowing _when_ it might happen again — had been unbearable.

 

When he’d moved to the village, what his father had done had followed him here, and he’d been reminded of it every time he looked at a girl and didn’t feel the way he thought he should feel, or when he looked at blokes, like Adam and Jackson, and had felt all the wrong things. Back then, he’d thought his Dad had made him that way, and he’d hated himself for it. And through it all, at the back of his mind was Dad, still with him even after he’d left for good.

 

It had taken him years to sort through those feelings, but he’d finally made it. He’d finally accepted that this was who he was, and that Dad hadn’t made him this way — and he was _okay_ with it.

 

It made it easier to push the memories away. He couldn’t move past it — he didn’t think he ever would — but it made it easier to live with everything that had happened, and he’d take that over the way it had been before.

 

Sometimes though, the memories hit him in sudden bursts. Sometimes it was because things would trigger him, and other times they would just pop up unexpectedly, sometimes lingering despite his desperate efforts to push them away, and sometimes going away as quickly as they’d come.

 

He didn’t know _why_ he’d toyed with the idea of telling Robert. Maybe he liked the idea of finally being able to tell _someone._ The memories of what Dad had done to him were still suffocating, and he didn’t think anything could make it _okay,_ but maybe telling someone…he wasn’t sure. He’d never told anyone before. It wouldn’t change what had happened. But maybe it would make him feel… _different._ Freer in a sense, but maybe that was just wishful thinking.

 

The thing about Robert was that he had never felt this way about anyone before. He’d loved Jackson, loved him even before he’d been able to say the words, but his head had been messed up back then, and sorting everything out — realising that it _was_ love — had been so hard. With Robert, the realisation had hit him quickly, with such force that it had terrified him. Everything about this scared him, but he wasn’t confused about how he felt.

 

Sometimes Robert made him feel more safe and secure than anyone else. The first time he’d really felt that way was when he’d comforted him after Cain had ended up in hospital, and Aaron had seen a side to him he’d never imagined could exist in a bloke like Robert Sugden. 

 

It was _that_ side of him that made Aaron think about telling him. He’d imagined telling Jackson, but had never been able to build up the courage and that had been it. But Robert…maybe he’d be able to talk to him, _really_ talk to him, and finally be able tell someone about what had happened. He’d never spoken the words aloud. He couldn’t imagine how it had feel for someone to finally know.

 

Sometimes, Robert made him feel like he _could_ talk to him, tell him anything and he’d still be around to deal with the aftermath.

 

But other times Robert could be distant, and manipulative. He could be mean too, when he didn’t get his way —  and the reminder of these qualities made the thought vanish as quickly as it’d come. There was a reason he’d never told anyone, he reminded himself. And besides, it wouldn’t change anything.

 

Later, after everything had blown up, and the Lodge, and Katie’s death, and Paddy’s shooting had taken all the love he’d felt for Robert, and twisted it into something dark and bitter that Aaron was sure was hatred, he felt relieved that he’d never told him. And when Robert stood in the scrapyard, throwing every insecurity back in his face, he was glad that there was one less thing for Robert to use against him.

 

 

**_And when he finally did_ **

 

The first person he told was Robert, and once he started, he couldn’t stop. When he imagined telling people, even the words ‘my dad raped me,’ had seemed terrifying and impossible. When he stated telling Robert, it all came pouring out — every awful thing his dad had done, the terror he had felt for years — and in the end he’d just felt exhausted. 

 

Robert had been there for him; he’d comforted him and talked to him. After everything that had happened between them, Aaron hadn’t been able to trust this new, supportive Robert, and a part of him had been waiting for the moment he’d snap, and they’d been left with another Lodge or Scrapyard situation.

 

Nothing like that happened. Robert stood by him, and supported him, even when Aaron tried his best to push him away. It occurred to Aaron that whenever he’d imagined telling people, he’d never really focused on the aftermath. Somehow imagining the reactions to his past had been too daunting to really think about, and he’d always pushed those thoughts away.

 

He wondered if he would’ve been able to imagine that someone would actually support him or…possibly even love him, if Robert’s words were to be believed (although that was a whole other can of worms that he wasn’t even ready to start working through right now), and realised that he’d never even thought that anyone would _believe_ him.

 

Robert believed him. And later, when he told his mum, so did she. She held him when he cried, and there was never a moment of doubt in her from the moment he’d told her. She confronted his Dad, and didn’t give up until she’d wrangled a confession out of him. And maybe she’d blurted out his secret to the whole pub, but he’d later admit that she hadn’t done it to hurt him. And their reactions…he hadn’t expected it. He hadn’t expected the support from the other villagers. They _believed_ him, even before the trial, even before they'd learnt the whole, ugly truth.

 

It was his Mum who’d convinced Sandra to testify. It was his Mum who had stood by him through all of it. And throughout all of it he’d _trusted_ her. He’d believed that she wouldn’t let him down, not this time.

 

(It was crazy how much things had changed between them).

 

The rest of his family…well, he never actually told them, but they knew now, and they were on his side. Cain had been angry. He’d gone after Gordon, and had tried to kill him. Aaron had never expected anything different from his uncle — no mater what, family came first for Cain, and even if he now felt disgusted with Aaron, he’d still do that much for him. Aaron had never considered that it could mean _more_ than that until his uncle had asked him to drop the case, and had told him that he loved him.

 

The rest of his family…they’d been amazing too. Lisa and Belle had joined them in court, had sat by him and had expressed their anger at Gordon. Adam had hugged him and had told him how sorry he was. Zak and Paddy had both been there for him, even though Aaron hadn’t wanted them around at the time.

 

They were all people he loved, and up until that point, he’d been sure that if they knew the truth, they’d leave him. Maybe they’d be disgusted with him, or maybe they’d think he was lying — or maybe they simply wouldn’t be able to deal with the truth, and would think that leaving him would be easier than dealing with the messy aftermath.

 

They hadn’t left. _None_ of them had. They’d supported him through it, and in the end, he’d gotten the justice he never even imagined he would get. Maybe it wouldn’t change what had happened to him, and maybe it would never make it _better,_ but he could finally start to move forward with his life.

**Author's Note:**

> So...this ended up being A LOT longer than I'd initially intended. 
> 
> I've referenced a lot of older episodes from the show, so if anyone is confused about any of the scenes I mentioned, these are the episodes they are from:
> 
> Zak - 3rd February 2009  
> Chas - 27th April 2010  
> Paddy - 25th March 2010  
> Jackson - 6 October 2010
> 
> I've also borrowed a few lines of dialogue from the episodes with Zak, Jackson and Chas.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed that. There have been a lot of moments from the older episodes of Aaron's storyline where I'd realised how much his dad's abuse would affected things he'd done, or how he may of felt about some of the things other character's had said to him.


End file.
